3. “Would you like a cup of tea?”
It was during my early teenage years in England, whilst my cousin was visiting from Canada, that an unexpected guest called whilst my parents happened to be out.
My cousin, being a little older but argubly a lot more responsible, checked who it was and recognising the guest as an extended family member, let them in and mader them comfortable in the sitting room and of course, offered her a cup of tea.
What happened next would be a tale my cousin would repeat, with much angst, in almost every successive visit she made to England. Our unexpected guest, a grand Indian lady in her 60s, had declined the offer of tea, which my cousin understood to be customary ‘polite’ gesture common amongst Indian families:
It is also generally accepted that you decline the first cup of tea offered to you, and agree on second or third offer, and if you do not wish to have any at all, remember to decline three times (although not advised, since tea offering is a very significant indication of hospitality).
The Tea Emporium
So she asked again, a little more insistently, and the offer was declined once more. What irked my cousin however was the reprimand she subsequently received from the grand lady — about 10 minutes after her declining the offer of a cup of tea the 2nd or 3rd time:
“Where’s my tea?! You know, young lady, when a guest calls on you, you really ought to serve them tea irrespective of whether they have declined your offer or not!”
This theme would arise again multiple times amongst friends and family of American, Mediterranean or South East Asian backgrounds, often as a complaint that the English were not as hospitable as their own families — “you go around their houses, and you’re not even offered a glass of water, let alone a cup of tea!”
Whilst my own habits when entertaining visitors or even a stranger (say, workman or window cleaner) in my home is to offer them a cup of tea or water, usually one tends to ask only twice and if still refused, simply drop it — it is after all, not entirely hospitable to keep badgering someone.
Anthropologist Kate Fox, in her “Watching the English” frequently mentions ‘unwritten rules’ and ‘codes of behaviour’ amongst the English one of which seems awfully pertinent here:
“In fact, at one level, our reserve is a form of courtesy — the kind of courtesy that sociolinguists Brown and Levinson call ‘negative politeness’, meaning that it is concerned with other people’s need not to be intruded or imposed upon (as opposed to ‘positive politeness’, which is concerned with their need for inclusion and social approval).”
- Kate Fox, Watching the English
Although, as Kate Fox concedes, “we…assume that everyone shares our obsessive need for privacy — so we mind our own business and politely ignore them” with the inevitable outcome that “‘positive politeness’ cultures are more likely to misunderstand and be offended by the ‘polite’ aloofness of the English”.